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Sunday, March 13, 2016

How To: Sell Your Soul To The Devil

How To: Sell Your Soul To The Devil

By Anonymous
Via - Uncyclopedia

Many people desire to sell their soul to the devil, but have no way
of knowing how to go about it.

Perhaps their marketing knowledge is scarce, or they do not have
contact information for the devil.

For those who have always wanted to sell their soul to the devil,
by reading this guide you will soon have the means at your disposal.

Step One

Determine what your soul is worth. Peruse Consumer Reports to
find out what other souls are going for.

If you sell too cheaply, you will resent the bad deal for the rest
of your eternal life in Hell.

If your asking price is too high, the devil may laugh while declining
your proposal. He may find you so idiotic that he will refuse to
meet with you again.

If you choose to bargain with the devil, be prepared for a long
business meeting.

Just to end it all, you will make an agreement you regret.

So, think long and hard about the worth of your soul before
planning to sell it. If you have difficulty, see a financial adviser.

Note that the financial adviser should under no circumstances have
a law degree, as it is common knowledge that all lawyers sell their
souls during the last stage of the bar exam.

Step Two

So you've put a firm monetary value on your soul.

Plan very carefully what you will do with this money, because you
will only be able to enjoy it for a short time compared to your
eternity in hell.

Perhaps you will create a bucket list of things to do before Satan
comes knocking at your door.

The amount you can receive depends largely on your intelligence.

Obviously, Satan doesn't see any challenge to tricking stupid
people, and, if Charlie Daniels is correct, he also appreciates
musical talent.

Another factor in your soul's value is how desperate you are.

Money is nothing to a supernatural being like Satan, and with and
endless supply provided by the Federal Reserve Bank, He'll often
give you a little extra just for your troubles.

At this point, you are probably having doubts and fears.

No doubt angels have visited you and pleaded with you
not to go through with this decision.

The important thing is to hold your chin up, proud that your
selfishness in the here and now is more important than a life
of charity leading to eternal peace.

"Begone, Goodness!" will become your catch phrase.

Step Three

Know how to contact the devil. Your local Satanic Church may be
able to provide you with the address and phone number of one of
Satan's trusted representatives on Earth.

If you would rather speak to the devil without a mediator,
you may purchase a Ouija Board for less than $20.

A cheaper method is to buy a tub of black ink, pour it in a bowl
and gaze into it after lighting candles in the shape of a pentagram.

Stare into the darkness and the devil should appear. If he does
not appear, the line is busy and you should try again later.

Step Four

Set out your terms for the Prince of Darkness to consider.

Remember to include such things as how long you will live,
how healthy you will be and whether you will have romantic opportunities.

Many forgo these considerations in lieu of only money. Ask
for unmarked bills and don't leave until you get them.

Sign nothing until you see the cash.

Don't grab the cash and attempt to run off before signing, either.
Satan gets very, very angry, and will likely damn you to Super Hell.

Step Five

Celebrate your achievement! You are now an insider!

Go out and have a beer with your friends.

Live it up, secure in the knowledge that your comfy stateroom
beside the Fiery Pits awaits you when Eternity arrives.


http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Sell_Your_Soul_To_the_Devil

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